The Lost Friends: You still feel rejected even after trying? It wasn’t to be. You were brave. You tried. But you have to let go now

There are days when you are just staring out of the window and you get a rush of memories of what seems like a distant past. As you are focusing on that single white cloud, you are reminded of all the people who once were part of your life, but are not anymore. “What happened to that friendship! Girl, we were in our best days. We were unstoppable sisters, not by blood, but by heart. On our worst days, we would cheer each other up in the most unexpected ways. Our heartbreaks, our tragedies, we lived it together. If I asked her to lie for me, she wouldn’t hesitate, even if it got her in trouble. Will I ever have friends like that?”

A wave of sadness runs through your body. What an ironic tale it is! The people who were once your best friends now leave your messages unseen. They are just contacts on phone. The feeling of forever that you felt around them was an illusion, like the clouds. They did not seem to move, but in reality, every day, they were gliding one inch away from you. The single world that both of you lived in, was slowly separating into individual worlds.

“How I wish we knew, that we were living in the best days of our lives before they were gone! Those fist bumps spoke more than hugs. What I would give to be able to bump fists, one last time!” Goosebumps, you got lost in thoughts. You pull yourself out of your head and see that the skies are changing colors. How symbolic, you get up, dust your pants and look at the sky one last time, with a prayer in your mind!

“Our conversation are not the same anymore, girl! But I promise that if we ever cross paths again, I’ll do all I can to slow down that moment until it lasts. I’ll still be here watching you fly past me while you reach greater heights because no matter what, how apart we are now, you will always be my best friend. No matter where we are on the ground, our skies will always be the same.”

The loss of friendship is a very hard feeling to describe. Most of us “grew apart” than saying, “it broke my heart.” After all, friendships are supposed to be easy. They are supposed to be deep enough to provide sincere camaraderie but not so deep that upon breaking, it would shatter the person! However, are things really that simple? We cultivate so many bonds, friends with whom we have scraped knees in our childhood to those with whom we have bunked classes in college.

Friendships keep changing with the tides of time. However, as we get older, we get pickier about the kinds of friends we wanted to hang out with. The shackles around our hearts get tighter. We are no longer careless kids making friends with anyone and everyone. Most people are only friends at face value. What seldom gets mentioned is that loosing friendships, even those you just grow out of hurts. It’s a sinking ship. One missed call becomes 10. And then one day, you don’t bother calling at all.

We carve out space for them in our lives. We make space to accommodate them only for it to be left vacant. The anguish and grief are real, especially in adulthood, where everyone is living in individual worlds, lonelier than ever. Most of us been terrible friends to some of the closet people in our lives. Your lives may have changed the moment you joined different schools, and you did nothing about it. You thought, that when all of you return after four years of engineering, things would go back to how and where they were. Wrong.

They didn’t. At least not the way you expected it. You canceling plans to meet up in turns. In the end, you throw the onus on your friend to let you know whenever they want to catch up. But the days just pass by. Then, as luck would have it, you come across something that your friend has been silently working on. You find the courage to write a heartful wish. immediately, you get a response back. You are excited. Maybe this the chance, you open to chat. “Thank you” You are confused and disappointed. It felt like a door closed!

You could’ve pushed yourself to continue the conversation, but the response was an answer, you reached a dead end. If they wanted to pursue a conversation, they would have. It does not make them bad people. Maybe you weren’t a good friend to them! Maybe they have changed, maybe your friendship has run its course. Friendship breakups are hard to articulate, unlike relationships where a single rejection means it’s a dead end.

Rejection in friendships happen over time until it pricks you hard enough. The constant disappointment hurts way more than a simple rejection and yet, it is given the last amount of care. We look back at lost friendships with so much nostalgia. We miss them, just because you have wonderful friends right now, doesn’t mean your old friends mean any less. But that also doesn’t mean you need to reach out to your old friends, again and again. The emotional punch a rejection would give you may break you if you are in fragile state of mind. I can vouch for that. I have been a bad friend to a lot of friends.

I used to vanish the moment my life took me on a different path. It took me so long to realize that I’m losing some of my best friends this way. I assumed that everything would make sense and would still be the same. But it never got there. Unfortunately, by the time I started reaching out to them, the rejection made me feel so small. I didn’t need that in my life but I had to try. I just wanted to grasp one of my old friends and make it right. Atleast one, on the brighter side, I hope that understanding this complex feeling will help me change the way I look at friendships.

If you are missing a friend you have lost in touch with and you are thinking about reconnecting, I support you, just do it. Apologize, don’t put it off, we all screw up. We all hurt people sometimes. It isn’t easy and we can’t control them to forgive us. But life is short and people can really surprise you sometimes. However, don’t forget to take a look at all the people around you. Are you appreciating them enough? Good. Now go reconnect. But remember that if you are feeling exhausted or rejected even after trying, it’s not meant to be. You were brave. You tried. I know it’s not easy, but you have to let go now.

Friends occupy so much of our lives that its easy to forget their importance. So while your friends are within your reach, appreciate the bravery of loving your friends with all your might, knowing that it may very well be temporary. Appreciate the grief. It means that your love for them wasn’t weak. Appreciate the people who held on. Don’t spend too much time thinking about how could things get so bad. Don’t wonder if they still think about you. Don’t wonder if they open your chat and feel empty. Instead looking at lost friendships with resentment and guilt, be grateful for those beautiful years of friendship.

We all lost people this year, we have all had bad friends or been bad friends. Losing your best friend can feel like tears running down your cheeks. Losing your best friends can feel like finally letting go. But as you look out of your window, I hope you silently pray for your friends. You will find your way back, and when you do, don’t forget to reconnect. Life is so short, so, take your shots and send that message. The worst that can happen has already happened. Happy Christmas month. Stay Strong and Blessed.

Author Profile

Joan Atuhwera: Joan Atuhwera is a Business Administration Graduate, a Human Rights activist and writer with over five years’ experience in pursuing justice for others via her keyboard. She can also be reached via email: [email protected] or WhatsApp +256774334595